I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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