Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
