two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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