I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
