She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Ketchup is God's man juice
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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