The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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