then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
