life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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