Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
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