My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
