i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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