We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
