it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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