the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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