Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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