Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
