You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
