My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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