Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
