Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
