I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
