took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
