Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
