Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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