I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
