I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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