TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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