I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
