Moan for me like Helen Keller
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
