he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
