and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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