Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
