Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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