So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
