then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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