goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
