My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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