Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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