i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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