I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
