You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
