did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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