sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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