She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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