Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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