I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
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Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
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The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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