and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
