you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
