I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
