Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
