Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
