Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
