____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
