remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
