Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
