Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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