I didn't shave. On purpose
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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