i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
