I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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