I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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