i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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